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Tonight my temper scared my children. It’s possible they might never remember my outburst but, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

I lost my shit. It is unforgivable.

I can’t explain why except to say that I’ve been wallowing in the deepest sense of despair for several days and I emotionally imploded in front of my kids and husband. I didn’t plan for it to happen, but it did.

I know as parents we are supposed to lead by example, and we certainly spend a lot of time keeping tempers at bay in our house. I am taken aback when I see my dearest Sophie clench her feet and fists and growl in inarticulate frustration. Or, for that matter, when I see Maya get angry at the slightest mishap.

Our children are supposed to be an improved version of ourselves. The only way I can help them avoid the same mistakes I’ve made is by living up to the standard I obligate them to observe. “Don’t hit. Don’t scream. Be kind. Be honest.”

I’m sorry I scared you — Ryder, Sophie, Maya & Blas.

I promise I won’t do it again.

 

 August 7, 2009

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